Leadership and pain: Why unhappiness is essential for self-actualization
February 2024 Issue
Alexis Sargent, Laboratory Research Assistant and Harvard Kennedy School Master in Public Policy student (‘24)
It is the beginning of a new year – a time to revel in 2023’s memories and celebrate the start of 2024. However, many of us are now looking back on the last 365 days and yearning for changes in the 365 ahead. In the U.S. and other nations, many adopt New Year’s Resolutions. Caked into many of these “new year, new me” promises are comparison, desire, and yearning for more than we have. Year after year, I’ve made New Year’s Resolutions to be healthier, meditate more, and stick to a diet. But like most Americans, my resolutions usually falter. I often celebrate the second Friday in January as “Quitter’s Day” instead of as a resolution touchstone.
This year, I trekked with fellow Harvard graduate students to Bhutan, a nation known for its high national happiness, to start my new year off differently. Bhutan, a small Buddhist nation couched among the Himalayan Mountains, received global recognition when in the twentieth century, it developed a calculus to measure not Gross Domestic Product or Gross National Product, but happiness through its Gross National Happiness index.[1]
Our group met with a Buddhist master monk at Kyichu Lhakhang, a Buddhist temple in Paro, Bhutan. I asked the master for guidance on how hardships can help us to be happier. He discussed how Buddhists believe suffering can be caused by desire and grasping. “All people are looking and working to have a whole life and to have a happy life. But you must see that people’s desires never end. It is like drinking ocean water when you're thirsty,” he told me. “There is a saying in Buddhism: if your desire is less, if your desire is content, then that person is constituted as rich.” The Buddhist master was describing contentment, a Tibetan Buddhist principle where people should learn to be content in all aspects of their lives – to therefore feel more freedom from worry and restlessness.[2]
The master also spoke with me about how suffering can help us build meaning, and in turn lead us to achieve more of our potential and self-actualization. “At the end of the day, everybody wants to have a good life. Everyone wants to have a happy life. Nobody wants a hardship. Nobody wants negative things. Nobody wants to be beaten up by someone else. Nobody wants to be scolded by someone else,” he said.
“But the thing is, people always run from these negative things. People always run from suffering and pain. But if you can stand it, if you can face that – you can convert that [adversity] into a good thing. Then you get the real satisfaction in your life. Because knowing the suffering, knowing the challenges – where it is coming from and where it is going. If you can convert that into good deeds, and you keep on doing good onto others – then you can become a good human being.”[3] In the end, Lhakhang was arguing a rather counterintuitive principle: We can draw helpful learnings from our hardships and turn them into teaching moments that can substantially improve our lives and make us happier.
We each struggle with personal lows, and distress is on the rise. Research shows many are suffering – in the U.S. and abroad. According to the Global Emotions Report by Gallup, 41% of adults experienced a lot of worry the day before the survey, and 44% of employees worldwide reported stress during a lot of the day. [4] These statistics are alarming, but what is more concerning is that this trend is increasing. Unfortunately, life serves each of us strife. But what we can control is how we deal with tough situations. Our suffering can draw us deeper into anguish, or we can use it to lead us toward a more positive, resilient path.
This principle is, in fact, a core tenet of the Leadership & Happiness Laboratory, whose research draws from philosophy, psychology, behavioral economics, neuroscience, and religious teachings. Recently, the Laboratory’s Director, Arthur C. Brooks, held conversations with His Holiness the Dalai Lama on how Buddhist philosophy can guide us on a path to happiness. In a conversation with His Holiness the Dalai Lama in April 2023, Arthur C. Brooks stated: “If we have suffering, we are told we should see a psychologist. If we're feeling pain, there's a problem in our life that needs to be eliminated. His Holiness is telling us that, that's all wrong because that's missing the opportunity of our lives. The truth of the matter is that we shouldn't fear pain, that we should embrace suffering because suffering is a sacred thing, that life has many joys, but the suffering that comes along with life will inevitably find us.”
In his classic 1946 book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl explains how suffering can help us achieve self-actualization, one’s full potential, and well-being. Frankl revisits his experiences as a Holocaust survivor, writing about how finding meaning can help individuals endure endless suffering and ensure survival – no matter how brutal the circumstances may be. Throughout the book, Frankl argues that meaning is the main catalyst for human beings and describes three sources of meaning: work, love, and courage. Although we cannot avoid suffering, we can choose how to cope with our hardships, Frankl describes. We can derive meaning and extract purpose from the struggles we face.[5]
Frankl’s book illuminates a marquee takeaway: suffering can help build meaning in our lives, which can lead us toward a path of self-actualization. More recent academic research supports Frankl’s thesis.
In 2013, researchers writing in Psychological Science found that cumulative lifetime adversity is associated with optimal well-being. The researchers tested the relationship between people’s history of hardships faced and their resilience to stressors. The researchers defined resilience as wise personal management in the face of stressors – a reaction between a human being and a stressor (not a personality characteristic). Interestingly, their results revealed U-shaped relationships: “Relative to a history of either no adversity or nonextreme high adversity, a moderate number of adverse life events was associated with less negative responses to pain and more positive psychophysiological responses while taking a test.” Put another way, if we experience a mild number of serious negative life events, we tend to develop a propensity for better managing stress. The research suggests that exposure to suffering and hardships can help us be more resilient going forward.[6]
Seery’s 2013 research was connected to his 2010 report with E Alison Holman and Roxane Cohen Silver. The 2010 report, entitled “Whatever does not kill us: cumulative lifetime adversity, vulnerability, and resilience,” was among the first to study the effects of lifetime stress exposure on human resilience. In a national sample, Seely’s team found a U‐shaped relationship between the number of major life stressors individuals experienced and mental health outcomes. The research found that adults who reported low‐to‐moderate lifetime stress level exposure had better mental health than those with either no or high lifetime stress levels.[7] In other words, moderate instances of what doesn’t kill us can make us stronger.
In 2016, researchers Larissa Dooley, George Slavich, Patricia Moreno, and Julienne Bower focused their research about resiliency on a more focused group: breast cancer survivors. The researchers sought to analyze whether moderate stress exposure promotes psychological resilience to cancer. Working with over 100 breast cancer survivors, the research team studied the relationship between pre-cancer diagnosis lifetime stress exposure and post-diagnosis psychological capacity. Dooley’s team found that participants with moderate acute stress reported fewer intrusive thoughts compared to those with low or high acute stress. Their key finding: moderate stress exposure was associated with improved psychological resilience among breast cancer survivors.[8]
As we all know, when something doesn’t work out as we hoped, it can be quite challenging. If a romantic partner chooses to end a relationship, the sorrow can feel deep. If a family member passes away, the suffering can feel endless. Experiencing agony presents challenges, and some negative effects can be long lasting. But as many research studies suggest, experiencing hardships and the dark feelings that come with them – such as anger, anxiety, sadness, and grief – can be enlightening and useful. However, this notion may come as a surprise because our modern world teaches us that suffering is bad.
The trick, then, is to morph our high stress into a moderate, more manageable version. In the 2023 book Night Vision, Mariana Alessandri argues that we should embrace all our feelings – especially the dark moods – as a way to become familiar with them. . Alessandri describes how dark moods like anger and depression offer “a new set of eyes through which we can see a world that others can’t—or won’t.” Alessandri challenges the Western philosophy that sadness is the opposite of happiness.[9] Alessandri argues that we may be making ourselves unhappier by working to cast out our sadness or other low moods. We all know it is not helpful to cover up our dark moods; when they are left simmering on the back burner, they can boil and topple over. We know that when we’re feeling low, all we want is to feel seen and heard. When a friend tries to help with “Cheer up!” or “It’ll be alright, get over it” or “Stop overreacting,” it often doesn’t help – instead, it can plunge us further into a pit of negativity.[10]
Alessandri also describes in Night Vision how ignoring dark moods can also deprive potential human connection over these dark moods – which we all can relate to. “Why talk about your irritations?”, Alessandri writes, “To give people in your life a chance to love you. Sorrow craves acknowledgment and expression, not repression or cheering up. Pain is a sign of vitality, and acknowledging it gives us eyes to recognize it when it’s sitting across the kitchen table. People in pain are not broken. They’re just in pain.”[11]
Instead, Alessandri discusses how dark moods like suffering offer an opportunity to connect with others. His Holiness the Dalai Lama raised a similar notion when in conversation with the Leadership & Happiness Laboratory’s Arthur C. Brooks. “How do we connect with other beings not just with joy, but with suffering?,” Brooks said. “When you feel suffering, you're connecting with the rest of the world who is suffering and in doing so, you're no longer empty. If you try to eliminate your suffering, His Holiness teaches you will be alone.”
Through his theory of recollection, the great philosopher Socrates also taught his followers about the importance of feeling emotions. Socrates emphasized that every time we learn new things and gain new knowledge, we are collecting information from a deep part of our psyche. Socrates coined this phenomenon “recollection” – how we have untapped knowledge that we need help accessing from time to time.[12]
Research has recently sought to study whether these deeper feelings – specifically emotions and experiences of previous suffering – can lead us to take more compassionate and adaptive actions. A study in 2016 by Northeastern University researchers Daniel Lim and David DeSteno asked: “Is past suffering associated with hardened hearts or warmed ones?”[13] Lim and DeSteno first analyzed whether the severity of previous struggles was associated with a persistent tendency for empathy-driven compassion. Second, they measured whether the resulting compassion was associated with behavior aimed to alleviate the suffering of others. The study found that previous experiences of adversity are associated with increased levels of empathy – which in turn predicts a propensity to feel compassion for people who are struggling. In other words, our previous painful experiences can make us feel more compassion for others. The researchers also found that people’s differences in compassion – due to previous adversity – lead to caring behaviors that assist others. For example, the people in the study who had experienced suffering in the past were more likely to conduct actions to help others, such as giving to charities or helping a stranger – in addition to being more likely to have more empathy and compassion for struggling individuals.[14]
This idea of personal growth through struggle is one of the key tenets of the philosophy of Abraham Maslow, the influential American psychologist, who argued that motivation and other organizational behavior subjects cannot be studied in isolation – human motivation must be studied considering the whole human being and in connection with other forces. The iconic Maslow hierarchy of needs was a model of the forces that interplay in people’s lives and move them toward action. When Maslow analyzed “what the human being should grow toward,” he interviewed extraordinary individuals and found that they had become themselves more fully – they had reached more of their potential, or were self-actualized.[15] People he defined as self-actualized often embodied “being-values” such as truth, ethics, goodness, meaning, and purposefulness. In their 2007 article, Dennis O’Connor and Leodones Yballe discuss how Maslow connected a positive psychology of people to their practical ability to manage others and increase productivity. The researchers argue that the path to self-actualization is the key to sustainable happiness: “to uncover one’s unique self as a foundation to take charge of one’s own growth, to struggle with the meaning of existence, and to reintegrate one’s various talents, natures, and values.”[16] O’Connor and Yballe also argue that the path to self-actualization is also the path to leadership. They discuss how Maslow believed that being-values should be core to leadership and help people flourish.
More recently, Martin Seligman argued in his 2004 book Authentic Happiness that cultivating happiness is crucial to finding long-lasting meaning in life. Seligman introduced the theory of “positive psychology” – a theory which focuses on happiness and allowing people to flourish. According to Seligman, happiness can be cultivated by acknowledging someone’s strengths and virtues. Through his theory of “authentic happiness,” we can find positive emotions from the past, eliciting pleasure in the present and embracing optimism for the future. Seligman’s work serves as a guide to seek long-lasting fulfillment, which dovetails with Maslow’s theory of self-actualization.[17]
Everyone wants to reach their full potential and be happy. We’ve all faced our own litany of negative experiences. However, to both Seligman and Maslow, it is through these experiences and within ourselves to find meaning and engage a path of happiness. Yet this is much harder in practice. Fortunately, academic research gleans more light on evidence-based steps to achieve greater happiness amid pain:
Don’t Run from Your Dark Feelings. Mariana Alessandri, in her 2023 book Night Vision argues that we should embrace all our feelings – including the dark moods that we often shy away from. Alessandri suggests that dark moods like anger or sorrow should not be stifled – instead, they should be taken for what they are: normal emotions that offer us another frame to understand our experiences. Our dark feelings also offer an opportunity to connect with others, writes Alessandri.[18]
Harness Self-Compassion. In her book Fierce Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff calls for us to embrace “tender self-compassion”: the ability for people to sit in their pain, imperfection, messiness, brokenness, and suffering – all while prioritizing self-compassion. Neff argues that holding compassion in tandem with struggles and pain can help us to sharpen emotional resources and survival skills to keep going.[19]
Write Your Hero Story. Researchers behind the 2023 “Seeing Your Life Story as a Hero’s Journey Increases Meaning in Life” article theorized how meaning in life is tied to the stories people tell about their lives, and tested whether applying a hero’s story to our personal lives increases the meaningfulness in how we view our stories. The research team developed a re-storying intervention that pushed people to visualize the events of their life as a hero’s journey, encouraging people to reflect on important elements of their lives and connect them into a cohesive, compelling narrative.[20] By pushing people to equate their lives to a hero’s, the research subjects increased the meaning they saw in their life, increasing their resilience to challenges.
Appreciate the Journey. In his 2007 article “Personal Mastery: Our Quest for Self-Actualization, Meaning, and Highest Purpose,” Satinder Dhiman emphasizes how suffering can help lead us on a path to personal growth and meaning, and therefore advance resilience and motivation. Dhiman argues that appreciating the journey is crucial – the journey to self-actualization is an essential part of achieving meaning and fulfillment.[21]
Prioritize Your Relationships. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest study of individuals going through their adult lives, is now in its 85th year and has involved over 2,000 people. The study’s happiest participants have good relationships, according to director Robert Waldinger. “The people who were happiest, who stayed healthiest as they grew old, and who lived the longest were the people who had the warmest connections with other people,” said Waldinger in an interview with McKinsey.[22] The saddest people were the people who, in elderly age, looked back and realized they didn’t prioritize their relationships. While the Harvard study includes familial and friendly relationships, a 2022 Pew Survey found that 83% of U.S. adults derived the most meaning in life from spending time with family.[23]
As we step into the new year, chatter of 2024 resolutions will echo, and many will hope for new choices for the better – and many will make half-baked New Year’s Resolutions. But here's a different idea: instead of just wanting things to be good, what if we learned from our tough times? When things aren't going well, social science shows us that adversity presents opportunities to learn and grow. Our trials and hardships can teach us valuable lessons and bring us more resilience, compassion, and action. Suffering can build meaning, and can lead to self-actualization. It also unveils the parts of life that evidence says bring us more happiness and purpose: our relationships and family – and not our work, higher salaries, or a fitter body. As the promise of a new year unfolds, don’t just aim for quick happiness – aim to be content. As the Buddhist monk master told me, the greatest wealth is contentment. Aim for meaning and purpose. Aim to prioritize your relationships. If, and when, we experience hardships, know that they can lead us on a pathway to a more fulfilling and happier life.
Contributing editor: Bryce Fuemmeler, Research Associate, Leadership & Happiness Laboratory
References
[1] Oxford Poverty and Human Development Initiative. (N.D.) Bhutan’s Gross National Happiness Index. https://ophi.org.uk/policy/bhutan-gnh-index/
[2] Interview with Buddhist monk master at Kyichu Lhakhang on December 20, 2023.
[3] Interview with Buddhist monk master at Kyichu Lhakhang on December 20, 2023.
[4] Gallup. (2023). Global Emotions Report https://www.gallup.com/analytics/349280/gallup-global-emotions-report.aspx
[5] Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning. Beacon Press.
[6] Seery, M. D., Leo, R. J., Lupien, S. P., Kondrak, C. L., & Almonte, J. L. (2013). An upside to adversity?: moderate cumulative lifetime adversity is associated with resilient responses in the face of controlled stressors. Psychological science, 24(7), 1181–1189. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612469210
[7] Seery, M. D., Holman, E. A., & Silver, R. C. (2010). Whatever does not kill us: cumulative lifetime adversity, vulnerability, and resilience. Journal of personality and social psychology, 99(6), 1025–1041. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021344
[8] Dooley, L. N., Slavich, G. M., Moreno, P. I., & Bower, J. E. (2017). Strength through adversity: Moderate lifetime stress exposure is associated with psychological resilience in breast cancer survivors. Stress and Health, 33(5), 549–557. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2739
[9] Alessandri, M., & Project Muse. (2023). Night vision: seeing ourselves through dark moods. Princeton University Press. 13.
[10] Alessandri, M., & Project Muse. (2023). Night vision: seeing ourselves through dark moods. Princeton University Press. 48-74.
[11] Alessandri, M., & Project Muse. (2023). Night vision: seeing ourselves through dark moods. Princeton University Press. 63.
[12] Alessandri, M., & Project Muse. (2023). Night vision: seeing ourselves through dark moods. Princeton University Press. 172.
[13] Lim, D., & DeSteno, D. (2016). Suffering and Compassion: The Links Among Adverse Life Experiences, Empathy, Compassion, and Prosocial Behavior. Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 16(2), 175–182. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000144
[14] Lim, D., & DeSteno, D. (2016). Suffering and Compassion: The Links Among Adverse Life Experiences, Empathy, Compassion, and Prosocial Behavior. Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 16(2), 175–182. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000144
[15] Maslow, A. H. (1964). Religions, values, and peak-experiences. Columbus: The Ohio State
University Press. 7.
[16] O'Connor, D., & Yballe, L. (2007). Maslow Revisited: Constructing a Road Map of Human Nature. Journal of Management Education, 31(6), 738–756. https://doi.org/10.1177/1052562907307639
[17] Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Atria; Reprint edition
[18] Alessandri, M., & Project Muse. (2023). Night vision: seeing ourselves through dark moods. Princeton University Press.
[19] Neff, Kristin. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. HarperCollins
[20] Rogers, B. A., Chicas, H., Kelly, J. M., Kubin, E., Christian, M. S., Kachanoff, F. J., Berger, J., Puryear, C., McAdams, D. P., & Gray, K. (2023). Seeing Your Life Story as a Hero's Journey Increases Meaning in Life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 125(4), 752–778. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000341
[21] Dhiman, S. (2007). Personal Mastery: Our Quest for Self-Actualization, Meaning, and Highest Purpose. Interbeing (Burbank, Calif.), 1(1), 25.
[22] McKinsey & Company. (2023). Author Talks: Robert Waldinger on "The Good Life." https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/mckinsey-on-books/author-talks-the-worlds-longest-study-of-adult-development-finds-the-key-to-happy-living
[23] Pew Research Center. (2022). “Environmentalism, individual actions and the morality of energy use.” https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/11/17/environmentalism-individual-actions-and-the-morality-of-energy-use/